My excuse voice is a whiny bitch. She hates doing anything. To picture her, you need to picture Honey Boo-Boo's Mum.... Only whinier and louder... And slightly British. My excuse voice is a fat, butter bathed, well read, British, redneck...
"Run? But Robin, it's only 5:00am!" You already look great, here's a maple-bacon donut, lets sit down and watch Maury. Don't you want to know who the father is?! Oh! The fun we will have!"
While a bacon, maple donut does sound amazing, I know British Boo-Boo is trying to trick me, we don't have any donuts. I've seen Maury, I know who the father is. Shocker! It's not the guy sitting next to the mother on stage, no matter how much she insists he is.
With the voice quieted for now, I prepare myself for my run. Sports bra, tank top, lululemon running crops and socks.... Socks... No socks?
"Well! Surely you cannot run barefoot! Maaaaauuuury?!"
Shut up, shut up, shut up. I tear through my drawers searching for a sock (it should be noted, I hate socks. Hate them. I own exactly 3 pairs of socks. I only wear socks on two occasions; one is running and the other is visiting other people's houses, because feet are effing gross). After a few moments of frantic searching, I stick my hand in a drawer and triumphantly pull out two socks.
"Those don't match!"
I look, sure enough, one sock is black, one is white. They don't match. I stare at the socks blankly for a moment, silently willing them to morph into a matching pair.
"We can still find out who the father is! Maury is on for another 15 minutes!"
Ignoring my excuses voice once again, I out on my mismatched socks, pull on my beat up runners and start to tie the tattered, frayed laces. This angers my excuses voice, and she kicks it into over drive.
"Mismatched socks!" Don't be a sock racist, I don't see colour in my foot wear. Equal rights for all socks.
"Maury! Don't you want to know who the father is?!" Bloody hell! Enough about Maury! Newsflash- the girl is kind of a whore, she doesn't even know who the father is!
"The baby will wake up in 5 minutes!" A 5 minute run is better than a 0 minute run.
"You just drank a cup of coffee, what if you have to pee!" I'm not running a marathon, I'm less than 20 feet from our bathroom. I have the bladder of a 29 year old woman, I can hold it for longer than 2 minutes. If I can't, that's fine too, I had to do laundry today anyway.
"It's hot out!" It's 5 am, it's not hot out.
"It's raining in Egypt!" We're running inside, on a treadmill... In Canada. I think we are fine.
"The planets are out of alignment! You need to brush your teeth! The refrigerator is running! You have books to read! Shouldn't you be doing housework? You're too tired! I'm too tired! We are all too tired!"
Its too late. I'm out the door, and my excuses voice is out of power.
For now....
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