The Men in Black Live in My Bathroom

The Men in Black live in my bathroom.   

Seriously.....

I've never seen them, not that I remember.  But they're there.  They are.  

This morning, I stumble into the bathroom, bleary eyed and uncaffinated. Everything seems bright and glaring and offensive to my eyes and my brain.   I fall asleep for a few blissful seconds on the toilet, then am jarred out of it suddenly by a barking dog or crying baby.  I better make this quick, I need to know....  What does the scale say.  

Now here is where the Men in Black come in.  Until this moment, though tired and zombielike, I can recall all the crap I've eaten in the last two weeks; 2 bags of marshmallows, countless hotdogs, beer, Palm Bay, candy, pancakes, bacon, Reece's Peanut Butter Ice Cream...  It all comes flying back at me at warp speed in my minds eye. Then....

Nothingness.  My memory is gone.  Suddenly, I am hopeful and optimistic! Surely I lost weight! I can recall absolutely nothing bad that I ate!  I am a health guru! I am a nutritional genius!  I will own this bitch!

I open the cupboard and pull the white dictator off of the shelf.  For a moment, everything is clear and glorious.  This moment has potential. This moment is both amazing and horrifying.   

I step on.  

The digital numbers dance near my feet, flipping and changing, jumping and scrambling to chose their place for the day.  I hold my breath in anticipation and put my hands on my hips expectantly...

182.0.  

No! No, it's cool!  I must have done it wrong.  I am uncaffinated after all, and pretty effing tired.   I step off, laughing at myself.  Silly Robin, you must have been holding onto the counter.  No wonder its so high!   Here we go again, silly girl!

182.0......

 I stare at the numbers, they mock me.  Laughing and sitting there all big and bold.  We stare each other down for a moment, my mind frantically searches for an answer... How? Why?  Remember!? Nutritional genius! Health guru! What sorcery is this!!!?  How the fuck did this happen?!

In a matter of seconds my mind races through every bite of every meal since I last stepped on the scale... Of course, thanks to the MIB, I can recall nothing! I ate healthy! I had carrots! How the hell did I gain almost 4 lbs!  How? How?!

Then, I realize, I am standing naked on a small platform in my bathroom.  A number is staring at me from between my toes.  182.0.  Its not changing.  The MIB has taken care of my recollection of how or why it got so high.

 

I know only that one month ago, I weighed 178.0.  I know that during June, I saw the numbers 172 on the scale, and that somehow, here I am, weighing more than that.   

And now...  The work begins. 

Next week, perhaps I will weigh myself on the lawn.  Surely nobody can erase my thoughts from there...