The first person, is both reasonable and rational. Lets call her "R", both for her traits and the fact that she is most like myself (you could argue that all 3 people are in fact myself and I'm crazy, however perhaps because I can recognize the 3 separate voices means that maybe I am sane after all?). She enjoys food, however understands the notion of moderation and nutritional content.
Then there is the 2nd person. She wants to eat everything. She cannot stop. She will force me to buy an entire bag of cookies and eat them in a single sitting, and she is LOUD. I call her "B", because B is an ugly letter, round and big.
The third body in my mind is a whisper. Quiet, sneaky and dangerous, she murmers sexily in my ear how I don't need food. I don't need a thing to survive, water will sustain me. Her voice is silky and smooth, she sounds like comfort, she sounds like thin. I see an "S" when I hear this voice, snake, sexy, seductive...
In the past, it's been a struggle to gain control and find balance. I can recall sitting in a first year university class, shaking violently because I'd let S win for the last 2 weeks and was barely surviving on the 100 calories of sugar free Jell-O I allowed myself per day in between packafter pack of cigarettes. Likewise, I can picture vividly, the entire large pizza, cheesy bread sticks and cinnamon sticks B convinced me I badly needed. I ate all 3 delivered boxes, huddled on the floor of my bedroom, full of guilt and shame. That night I slept with my arms wrapped around my swollen stomach, sore and feeling out of control and bloated.
It has been a struggle to get to a healthy frame of mind. Struggle does not sum it up nearly enough; battle, fight, war... These words do not aptly describe the epic round table discussions in my brain.
It has been several years since I would classify myself as "ill" though I know others who would disagree. This last month, I have had to begrudginly increase my caloric intake to account for all the running I've been doing. Rather than thinking of food as something "fun" or punishment, I've been looking at it as fuel. After years (I mean years, we are talking 15+ years) of telling myself I needed to be deprived or it was "all or noting" I have finally found a happy balance. And I'm losing weight.
Losing! Weight! And eating more??
I stepped on the scale this morning, after hitting 1500 calories daily consistently for the las 2 weeks and I have lost 5lbs. I am now only 5lbs away from my goal, and I feel energized and amazing. I'm not afraid to have breakfast or eat a cookie. I have the necessary fuel my body needs to go for a run.
It's a strange feeling when the rational side of your brain starts to win after years of battling. S is still there saying "Just wait" and B is sitting on her haunches waiting for the next opportunity to say "have the whole box!" But, for now, my body and mind are finally in sync, helping each other in a healthy way. God damn it feels good.
PS;
(This post is kind of a downer! Not many people know that I had/have such a struggle with food, and I didn't delve into it here as far as I could have because I'm a giant wimp. I don't like talking about it, because its hard to share and difficult to admit. It's a perfectly private part of myself that I never have to share unless I chose, and the secret aspect makes it both harder and easier at the same time.... My next post won't be such a downer, I promise!).
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