Missing Moments

When I had Henry, it took me quite a while to come to terms with his birth.   I didn't go into it with any expectations, so to have zero plan and still come out feeling a little bit disappointed and guilty, you know it was bad.  The last 14 months have done a lot of healing on me, and I've just recently been able to revist the first few memories of Henry's birth.  

Seriously, how adorable is that.   As much as part of me says "I wish I'd been there", I am so thankful to have this baby and so grateful that my Mum was able to photograph it.  

It's still hard to look at pictures of him with all the tubes and tape and IV's in him, but I know he is completely healthy now. 

He's incredible.  He really is an absolutely amazing child, and I'm thankful for him every single day.  He has come a long way.  We both have. 

Along with pictures of H's first days, there are also pictures of me that were previously unseen.  Horrible pictures, hideous pictures. They make me cringe, they make me want to tear up and deny they are me.  To an extent they aren't me.  Not the me that's here today.  They are a different, weaker version of myself.  

(There are actual rolls of fat on my chest in this photograph) 

The first two are obviously the worst, I was probably at around 300lbs in those photos.   Easily.  I can remember the sides of the rocking chair digging into the fat on my legs.   I probably ate 4 pieces of cake that day, and numerous cookies and candy and other goodies.  Nobody made me eat them, I chose to.  That is the sole reason I was pushing 300lbs, zero limits and zero self control.  

         

The third photograph was taken in January.   I can recollect almost everything about the way I felt in my own body that day.   I was sad because my vest would not do up.   It was an XXXL.   I felt good in the blue shirt, because I really like that colour on me.  I thought by turning to the side that my stomach wouldn't show in the picture, as you can see it did.   I was at approximately 220 in this photograph, well on my way to losing weight, but not there yet.  I hadn't started running with the same passion as I do now.  I hadn't pushed myself as far as I could to test my limits.  I wish I could tell the girl in this picture, "wait a few months, you will be running 5k without a second thought."   

Although I have a bit of an issue with turning my face to the camera, you can see that I'm half the person I used to be. I am more confident, more at ease in my own skin.  I'm a better mum, I have more energy, I want to run and chase Henry.    

The last 14 months have really taken us on quite the journey.  I can't wait to see where the next 14 take us.